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20

Oct

3:50 AM and I am awake

Some of you might be asking yourself, “Why is Tyler awake at 4 in the morning?”

Others might be wondering, “I wonder if Tyler thinks I care that he’s awake at 4 in the morning…because I don’t…really care.”

In other news, Kanye West got diamonds in his bottom set of teeth. Well. That’s just another reason I refuse to listen to his music. I hear too much asinine, egotistical bullshit spewing from him to stomach. He’s like a volcano of crap. Mmmhmm. It’s four, what do you want from me? The point I’m trying to make is: How can I listen to his douchery (let alone his music) if his teeth keep clinking against the diamonds embedded in them? You have to think about these things.

Additional news on Yahoo reports that a pair of crocheted socks are going for $500 at some Manhattan boutique. Cool.

I have to get out of this country.

I’m in the worst place imaginable. Some of you might be wondering, “Does he mean that literally or figuratively? Is he bitching about his geographical coordinates or is Tyler just in one of ‘his moods?’” Others might be wondering, “How does Dancing With The Stars continue to make headline news on Yahoo.com?” I don’t have an answer for any of that shit. Sorry. Except that America sucks. Like a Hoover.

In other news, I took a Benadryl to fall asleep. Don’t worry, it’s not working, so I’m going to continue to complain about my life.

I still have to get out of this country.

America is on a steady decline. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. There’s something about our culture that makes me ill. And I’m not talking solely about Oprah or McDonald’s. Not that McDonald’s doesn’t extend far beyond America. It’s everywhere, which is gross. In fact, I’m sure Bin Laden has one in his cave, you know? Richie Rich had one in his house; I’m sure Osama does too. And Oprah. I’m not going to get too deep into Oprah, because I don’t have the words for how evil I think  know she is. I can see through that fake human shell, Oprah. You’re a fucking dragon underneath. A dragon. With halitosis instead of fire breath. Maybe just really awful-smelling fire. I know your secret. Of course, after this expose, the American government is probably going to start auditing my blog and looking for reasons to kill me. Another reason I need to move tomorrow.

I also hate learning music. And singing music. And, let’s get serious, I’m probably going to start hating listening to music next. 

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about switching career choices.

I’ve also been thinking a lot lately about Pumpkin Spice lattes from Starbucks because, like, they’re delicious and shit. 

But then I wonder if they’re international, and that keeps me from leaving the country. Someone remind me to see if there are Pumpkin Spice lattes in Spain.

Hey, has this post made you depressed yet? On the bright side, you’re probably not reading this at four in the morning because you’re too busy sleeping or something. Probably with another person. And no, that doesn’t make me jealous. I don’t like other people and I certainly don’t like sleeping with other people, so I really just can’t fathom why you’re doing it. It’s not what God intended, or something.

There, I blew off steam for thirty minutes. Here’s what I’m going to try to do now: Pee, then see if I can sleep.

Wish me luck, and don’t tell Oprah that I know she’s a halitosis dragon.

  1. jwebb00 said: Fool. How am I supposed to properly stalk/keep in touch if you deleted your facebook and twitter??
  2. danbel said: Its 4 am in Prague, I have a paper due today thats still not done but of course I’m on tumb. 1.Why do you wanna switch career paths? 2. appreciate America, I miss it so much 3. Whats wrong with the Big O? 4. I miss you.
  3. tylermacjones posted this